Tuesday, June 06, 2006

It's been a tough few of days. And as it has been told to me many a time, I probably brought that tough-ness upon myself. So many thoughts and so many decisions. To an objective individual, things may seem easy, obvious even. And I do supposed that an objective opinion will teach you things and make you see things that you might not have seen before. But an objective opinion will, in essence, be objective. To people like me, the intricacies of certain situations matter.

But it's days like today that give me some hope of better things to come. It's people around me who care and who spend their time trying their best to distract my exhausted mind that help me cheer up a wee bit. Thanks for that.

A couple of nights ago, someone instilled fear in me. I honestly don't know where that fear stemmed from. It just happened. At the time that it happened, I might not even have known that the fear was there. At that point of time, it did not scare me, it just hurt. A lot. Because time and time again, I spend days feeling like I have been wronged. I spend days thinking I'm right, that I have done all in my power to make everythig work but that the same kind of... vigour is not shown by others.

And then I pick up the courage to broach this topic, to make my feelings known. But almost immediately, I'm told that I am wrong and that whatever I might have been feeling is completely unjustified. It effectively becomes a negation of self. And that is not a simple thing to digest.

Think now, have I negated you or the way you feel? I take full responsibility for how you may feel. Tell me what I have done to wrong you and I WILL think about it and, if need be, I WILL accept it and I WILL apologise.

But for this to be a mutual understanding you have to understand and act on the word MUTUAL. I can't be the only one listening, accepting, apologising and trying.

Always so quick to point the finger.

I don't want to be negated again. And so, for now, I am afraid.

On top of this fear, I have been told that based on a dream that I had, that I may have an innate fear of trusting men. Innate? I doubt so. I doubt I was born with it.

Well, despite all of this, Banana Split was good today. Casual, laid back, calming and fun. Just the yummilicious treat that I needed to make me smile, if only for a while.

As I have probably said before, I'm not very sure where things are going. Logical thinking tells me let go, let go, hold on, be. But logical thinking is what got me here in the first place and I'm starting to have my doubts about the merits of it. "It" being logical thinking.

I have a question that has nothing to do with the above. If any of you were at Cheeky's last Saturday night you might have heard a happening song being played as the dancefloor was getting a bit crowded. It kinda sounded like a chant, obviously in some other language. I'd like to say Spanish, but I'm not very sure. Main thing was that it had an incredible beat and very chant-like words. I'd like to know what that song was.

I'm watching the new show on Channel 5. Criminal Minds I think it's called. Looks pretty good. I've kind of missed seeing Greg on TV (As, in Dharma's Greg) and Shamar Moore is just delectable so I have no complaints. Plus I do have an affnity for these crime-y/investigative-y/whodunnit-y shows. Their intriguing. I used to watch Crime Night on Discovery. It's amazing the things people do unto others for money, revenge or even fun.


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