Ever notice how it's when you have nothing to do that the most depressing and troubling thoughts occur to you?

I don't like the way things are going. I have a bad feeling. I don't know what I am doing. I don't I don't I don't.

Do I want affection? Can I give affection?

Does it even matter?

I feel... Brittle. Like I don't want to be touched or poked or prodded. I'm this close to falling apart and no amount of anything will make any difference.

I find it hard to speak. To tell. To impart.

But at the core of everything, the root of the whole thing is, I find it hard to be.

Let me be first, and then maybe I can... Do all that other stuff.

I've never feared not being able express myself. I figured it was one of those things that will never leave me again. I would always be able to do it because nothing would change. But things have and I think I'm back to where I started.