Sunday, April 23, 2006

I woke up this morning, had my coffee, read the papers, and now I'm here.

Broken and alone.

Just me and my notes and my Class 95 All Soul Weekend.

I'm tired. I'm beaten and bruised and I'm exhausted. Every bone in my body creaks, every muscle aches and every emotion has shrivelled up into itself like too-dry prunes.

At this very moment, I am nothing, to me or to anyone else. All I have are words, and, as I have found out, my words mean nothing. They don't make you change, they don't make you think, they don't make you try.

So where exactly does that leave me? If I don't have my body to depend on, if I don't have my soul? Technically that doesn't even leave me with myself. If 2 is company, 3's a crowd and 1 is alone, then what's zero?

The lack of existence?

I've waited. For some indication, for some concrete sign. I've waited and waited. I've looked in all directions. I've searched, I've asked, I've gotten on my knees and pleaded for so long that my knees bled.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought I could depend on you. I thought that was our basis. I depend on you, you depend on me.

It looks like I'm doing this by myself.


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