Saturday, August 27, 2005

Today's been ok. Didn't get to go to Womad like I wanted to (And have been wanting to for ages...Apache Indian people!Boomshakalak!*wiggles belly*) but I got to spend some quality time with Bubba dearest. He managed to get out today because of his good behaviour on the RT front. See? Being good pays off.


I got to talk to him for ages today. First at Picnic at Scotts (Black Pepper Hotplate Chicken and Rice), then at TCC at Citylink (Oreo Frappe and Upside Down Cheesecake), and then under the hot afternoon sun at the Esplanade. It was nice. Getting things off our chests felt good. We talked about everything and asked each other stupid questions. And through all the triviality we got quite deep. I, at least, realised a lot of things about myself. (I get the feeling that he already knew all the stuff about himself.)

I realised that I'm not the kind of person who forgives and forgets. I seldom forgive and even more seldom forget. I'm just like that.

I realised that I do a lot of things, or I HAVE done a lot of things, for the sake of other people. Not for my own sake, and that usually leaves me at the losing end. And I usually don't realise that I am or was at the losing end til I've already lost.

I realised that hurt and anger stay with me for a long time and happiness is usually overshadowed after a brief time because I start to see the cracks that everyone tried so hard to cover up. This doesn't happen all the time though. Only occasionally and usually only with situations that have an air of glorified emotions.

I realised that I tend not to voice my own opinions for the comfort of the people around me. Well, not as often as I should anyway. My opinions may not count but at least if I did voice them, nobody will be able to say that I didn't try.

I realised that for all the things that I've done and achieved, I don't quite feel like I've done all the things that I wanted to. I'm not quite the person that I want to say I am. And although I would love to blame a lot of people for that, I have nobody else to blame but myself.

It's a very disconcerting feeling but I'm glad I feel it. At least it'll make me do something about it. Maybe not now but eventually.

Thanks Bubba.


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