Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I got myself hurt again. I suppose I asked for it. I wish I could just take your way out and run everytime the going gets tough. Everytime you are questioned. But I can't. It's not my way. My way is to stay. To work through it. I thought we could...

Was it wrong of me to think that you'd always be there? That things would work out with us eventually. Maybe that's what's wrong with us. What was wrong with us from the start. The lack of communication. Even after everything was over, you still didn't tell me what you thought. And now, I'm the hypocrite.Maybe I should have told you? Maybe this wouldn't have happened? Maybe it wouldn't be so... Hopeless?

What happened to you darling? What's made you so cynical? As self-centred as this may sound, did I do this to you? Tell me!

No wait... My rights have gone. I have none already. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

I just wish I knew. What happened to us? What happened to the way you used to talk to me? What happened to "always", "forever", "never"? Why make everything sound so final if it wasn't? What changed? You? Or me?

I feel as if everything I say to you is wrong now. As if I can't do any right. I watch everything I say to you like I never had to before. Because before I was me around you. I didn't have to be anyone else. And now... Now I have to be someone else. Someone objective. Someone distant. Someone uncaring and uninvolved.

It's an act. To try and make things right. Or at least to try and make things bearable.

But even I can't keep up the act 24/7. I crack sometimes and unfortunately you saw me crack. You saw me stumble. And it angered you. I wish it softened you. That it made you see that things were still the same with me despite my claim that everything was fine. But it just made you mad. Frustrated.

I didn't mean to do that. Forgive me for breaking. Forgive me for revealing myself to the person I trusted more than anyone else, more than myself. Forgive me for thinking that I had hope of survival.

Forgive me for loving you.


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